I'll Attack:Day 2

You know those days that you think are going to go extremely well but you are proven wrong within the first few minutes of it? That was today for me.
I woke up with the hugest tired headache I have had in a while, limped to the bathroom with a huge cramp in my leg (I must have slept wrong), and was pimping the mid-cycle look (hunched over, nauseated and holding stomach, feverish and clammy forehead). My hair was its usual mess, but I can only do so much with these really bad scarves i have been testing out...
I made it down to breakfast, worked my way around studying for the hugest exam ever, and ate some generic chocolate cereal puff thingies. I talked about ghetto food--chitlins, greens, and fat backs to one of my leaders of UB, then rushed off to the exam--late.
I'm not even going to say how bad it was, but I honestly held my head in my hands for a good 10 mins before realizing that it would take a miracle for me to be able to pass it. I was one of the few people left in the classroom, two others i believe to also have been dumbfounded out of their brains to another really sucky place in Hades.
I left there with a headache and hunger pains. I then tried to make my day brighter by listening to some music on Y! and playing a few games of Gin, while checking my email. Boy emailed me, and I returned the favor. I lost really badly in the end, but I didnt care. I wanted to eat.
Then i found out that the story that I had written, my article on my program had been not only mis labeled (that someone else wrote it), bt the people in it, my sources had been misquoted. Now I dont know how the workings of newspapers are today, but that aint right. The few edits my boss had mentioned turned out to be so bad, that I ended up misquoting myself! How on earth? One of my sources had pointed out to me that she was misquoted, so How does that make me, the writer, look?
Now I am at work, trying not to disagree with what she did in order to keep up with my work. She continues to compliment me but I dont know why, everything I do, or will do, will eventually be changed to her liking. I had to email this article to other newspapers, (which i thought i was writing for the gazette, but really for the bridge under her name) and fax it to other writers for her.
I am working on another article, with many things that are simply me, not her and not other people. I dont know how she will manage to make it her own but whatever.
Now I really just have a headache and I just took a 600 to alleviate the pain. I have to go to bible study today. whoo. Maybe I'll like this time more than last time. And maybe tomorrow will be better than today. And maybe boy will call me and listen to me talk at him. hmm.

These Is Engleesh!

I wonder how the world is out there! Im all off in college and I rarely get to see my number ones!
So much has happened over the past few weeks of and after Graduation!
Boy fell in love with me, and I treated him like poo and got rid of him after a while of leading him on. That was sucky.
Then it happened again, after I had told him that I wasnt ready and just wanted to be friends. He approached me, if I was thinking clearly I would have hit him, and tried to "get fresh." This was after I had spent the day with him, in unrelenting tension. If he wasnt looking at me, I was staring at the ground thinking about what might have been going through his brain (him being with the love of his life and all). I can only spare glances at people who I know have feelings for me, and might be expecting something from me. If I feel uncomfortable I look away at the wind... I guess he never caught on. I hate how things are never right when I am with him. I turn into a retard, all doubty and iffy, nervous as a loser. Im never sure if I enjoy being with him, or cant wait to get away! I am also under the impression that most of the time he is with us, the girls think that something is going on between us and they ought to leave us alone or something. They are my number ones! They are the people who have been with me for so long, and I cant stand the thought of this boy coming around and trying to garner my attention. I can only have so many big relationships! Then it just gets odd.
Then I made the boy cry. I swear I am the man in this little thing we have, or had. He is the girl and I am the man (not boy). He cries and cries and I ruin him. I feel like I am giving him both his happiest times and his saddest, most depressing times. I wanted to be his friend, I wanted to be close to him and give him the support that he doesnt get from... whatever else is in his life. I wanted our group to be his main focus, not me with them tagging along. I wanted him to be able to touch me like I do with the girls, be comfortable with me (which he has more than once made clear he is very much so) so that I might be able to return the affection one day, and trust him enough to let him into my head a bit.
But with touching comes feelings. With time comes caring. With days spent together comes expectance of more. On his part of course. I am always too darn confused to understand what is going on, and justify my time mostly by talking about myself, and what I do with the girls. I talk about so many things that I want to do and have done, basically dictating my life to him recklessly, hoping that he will get annoyed and run off.
He wont run off! He wont find someone to fall in love with, get some experience with his emotions, and gain some control before coming after me, perhaps the most unstable person in our clique. I wish he would find someone, but I know that if he does he will still be thinking of me. Or maybe the fact that he wont be thinking of me will just further insue the idea that Im not worth the time of someone else's affection. In many ways I'm fine with that, I believe it.
I dont do relationships, I dont do obligation, I do work. I do school. I do things I can control. And I will never be able to control him and his thoughts. The look in his eyes was so scary, the affect I had on him was insane. How could I do that to him? To only have to bring him down again later on in the week. Things go so fast and I cant handle it. I cant handle not having my brain for even the briefest few moments throughout the day. Why would I be thinking about a boy? A kid that I havent the slightest bit of relation too?
Its disgusting sometimes to think of me being with him in the future, doing whatever dirt it is that couples do, and not being with my friends. Devoting time to a person in a nonfriendly manner. Its pretty sick! How can people define a relationship by things like that? I look around at couples here on campus, and see how love blooms. People are friends, and then closer friends, and then all of a sudden they are holding hands, groping eachother and making out, automatically signifying that they are in a physical relationship, a romantic fling. Why is the symbol of love a kiss? Physical contact is so important that the actual companionship is forgotten. I fear that boy is still in the stage of holding hands and kissing as the definition of boyfriend and girlfriend. It isnt. Those things are abused so much in time that they are a lie, a meaningless lie to me. Give me an honest, whole hearted, gasping breath of devotion and faithfulness, pairing of love and I will show you that what you have is one of a kind, never to be labeled a fling, or a date, or a one night stand, but a commitment unbroken and cherished forever, never to end no matter what happens.